There's a park around here that I'd like to go to today. It's down the street from a block of shops and restaurants -- a nice place to spend a Saturday or Sunday afternoon. Unfortunately, I'm not the only person who knows this, so parking can be a bit of a challenge. But sometimes the crowds are just what I'm looking for, because then nobody sees me.

First I poke around the used bookstore. They also carry recordings, including vinyl. Some weeks I'll just glance around; other weeks I'll browse for hours. I've found some real treasures there.

When I'm finished at the bookstore, sometimes I'll browse through some of the antique shops on that block; sometimes I'll go to the toy store (that's where I got my yo-yo); sometimes I'll look through the windows of the art gallery; sometimes I'll just go straight to getting something to eat. If I'm hungry enough I'll stop by a pub-type place for a sandwich and fries, or go to the Vietnamese place. There are other restaurants there, but they're more date-type places. I... it would just feel too strange to go back there by myself.

I finish my trip at the coffee shop on the corner. I usually get a cup of coffee and something from their oven; in the summer I'll sometimes have one of those insanely sweet mocha frappe things, or an ice cream cone.

I'll head over to the park to have my coffee and read my new books, or flip through a newspaper. My preferred bench is one off to the side, in the shade. When the weather's nice, the park swirls in front of me: kids running around, parents pushing strollers, disgustingly cute couples strolling hand in hand. There are tables with benches on the shady side of the park. On summer evenings the old Italian men come out and play dominoes. The chess players come year 'round; in the winter they move to the coffee shop. There are a couple of regulars who seem pretty good. I watch the games sometimes, but I've never played. Sometimes I think about it. Maybe I will sometime.

I just want to get out of the apartment. Ever since that "date" with Cameron -- dressing up, being back at Caffè Spoleto -- well, that was agonizing enough. But the last time I did this, Stacey was the one hanging around as I got ready (for she was dressed and ready to go) -- she'd sit on the bed, smirking as she watched me struggle with my tie. Sometimes she'd tie it for me, and I'd get a kiss out of the deal to boot. We'd get to the restaurant and sit down, and there would be none of those horrible awkward silences. We didn't have to be talking all the time. Sometimes I'd put down my menu -- she'd still be leafing through hers, trying to decide what she wanted -- and I'd just look at her, I'd be so awed and happy. She'd sense me staring at her; she'd look up and smile, her jewelry sparkling in the candlelight.

And then after dinner, after the concert or the movie, we'd come home together, the lights in the townhouse winking on, me taking her coat, Stacey returning from the kitchen with two glasses and a bottle of wine, and, at last, her taking my tie the rest of the way off and me carefully unzipping her dress....

As opposed to that night with Cameron. That part's been the worst: thinking about coming home from that date to my empty apartment with nothing fun to think about, nothing to look forward to, only Pepcid, Letterman, and the memory of Cameron's stunned face as I told her. It needed to be said; I had to say it; but I felt like a jerk for saying it. And thinking about the next day and how it was going to play out.... She handled it well, at least.

So between that miserable "date" and all the memories it's stirred up about the Way Things Were (and How I Screwed It All Up) -- I've got to get out of the house. The weather's not great today -- it's been threatening rain -- but I don't care if it's pouring. If it's chilly or rainy I'll just take shelter in the coffee shop. It probably won't be too crowded. The chess players will be there, even if nobody else is. One of these days maybe I'll see about getting in on a game, but not today. Not yet. Today I just want to hide in the crowd, have some coffee and a couple of giant cookies, and read the paper. I check the sky, grab my wallet, put on my jacket and cap, and head out the door.